Sunday, March 25, 2012

Cerebrate- Demo(2011)

Cerebrate- Demo

Featuring members of Cascadian Black Metal band Ash Borer, Cerebrate are a Death Metal band... and... um...

Fuck, honestly I can't be bothered.

One almost has to wonder that, considering the progressive and anti-scene nature of Ash Borer, if Cerebrate is... kind of a joke? A subtle "fuck you" to static Death Metal fans who will eat this shit up again and again and keep asking for more. Will the members of this "band" one day declare on their Facebook page that Cerebrate was just a clever ruse to show how lame and easily sated that lame Death Metal purists can be?

I can see it now, as clear as an azure sky on a summers day... *flashback noises

Member 1: "Dude, I need some new gear for the next Ash Borer album. My shit is getting ragged as fuck..."

Member 2: "Yeah, I need some cash too man... got a drug habit to maintain..."

Member 1: "Hmmm... we could try playing a few more shows, getting the kids out to see us?"

Member 2(I assume it took two guys max): "Maybe... kinda feeling too lazy for that..."

Member 1: "Well, how about we whip something up to sell to Death Metal fags? Shouldn't be too hard?"

Member 2: "Death Metal fags? None of those basement trolls have any cash."

Member 1: "Oh yeah? Then how come obscure ass Swedish Death Metal demo's sell for big bucks on eBay? None of them have any girlfriends. They have nothing else to spend their money on."

Member 2: "Good point... well, what should we give them? Some Incantation worship? Some Morbid Angel felatio?"

Member 1: "Nah dude, those would take too long, and I am all hung over and shit... how about some SwedDeath? Just give them some blatant and derivative Entombed worship for the nth time. We will record it at your house, it'll take like twenty minutes. Then we'll sell them for a few bucks to get new equipment for Ash Borer."

Member 2: "And of course, those sweet, sweet drugs..."

Member 1: "Of course. Grab that practice amp and that guitar. I wanna push this out before the Dr. Who Marathon starts."

Member 2: "Um, that guitar is fucked to shit man..."

Member 1: "Who cares. We are gonna record the shit on a tape player anyway."

Member 2: "But man, I mean we got to do more than that right? What about cover art? And song titles? Lyrics... those all take a long time with Ash Borer."

Member 1: "Jesus fucking Christ, how hard do you think it is to trick these crusty old purists? They want it. They expect it to be all shitty looking... I will just draw something up in Microsoft Paint. We will call the tracks "I" and "II", and I'll just read the phone book in a growly voice..."

Member 2: "Will that work? Really?"

Member 1: "Did you listen to the most recent Miasmal."

Member 2: "... I'll grab my coat."

Rating: 0/10

1 comment:

  1. Nah, we're just death metal fags. Cute rant though.

    ReplyDelete